Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Houston, we have a blender
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
