does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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