i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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