I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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