i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
