Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
