There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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