Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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