just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
