I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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