Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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