what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
How does one acquire holy water?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
