Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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