I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
