I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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