She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
