I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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