it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
