Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
