My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
