You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
