Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
