Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
