matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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