Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
