Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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