She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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