Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
