farters have to be the big spoon...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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