at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
