i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
