Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
