please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
