Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
