I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
