apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
