One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
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He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
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This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.