I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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