enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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