then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
