turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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