I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
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