my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The cops high fived after they tackled you
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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