So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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