I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You smell like stripper and shame
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
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I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
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Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
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