I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
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