After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
