How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So much rum. So many feels.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
