Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
