Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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