for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I think your dad took our porno
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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