Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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