Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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