I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
