im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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