I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
