you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
