I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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