thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
