One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
