i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
