if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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