2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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