So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
